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Perhaps the most significant task that early childhood teachers face is to ensure that children feel a real sense of belonging in their early childhood setting. This is best achieved when teachers have a warm, professional relationship with both children and their families. But this can be challenging when families are experiencing the stress of relationship breakdown and children are living in shared arrangements.
Sometimes these arrangements work well and children appear to manage an almost seamless transition between home(s) and child care. This usually occurs when the relationship between parents is amicable and communication between parents and centre staff is clear and open. Sometimes other parties, such as grandparents, are also involved and, provided communication is good between all concerned, successful transitions are a real possibility.
However, for many families, the stress of separation and shared parenting is significant and, given the age of children in care, the hurt and sometimes anger associated with a failed relationship is too fresh and painful. This can translate to difficult negotiations and a loss of communication between parents, which can impact either directly or indirectly on children.
Effects of family break-up
The impact of pending or actual separation on children can be acute. Learning to live in different households with parents who are hurt and upset can be hard work. And sometimes children can be exposed to situations where they see their parents sad or angry, or hear hurtful things said that are confusing and distressing. Children may become withdrawn at these times and need extra support from thoughtful early childhood teachers who are aware and sensitive to their additional needs.
A three-year-old girl who attended my centre once asked me to stop her mother from yelling at her father. It was a difficult thing for her to do and took some courage to finally whisper those words. I spoke to her parents who were shocked to think that their attempts to conceal their troubled relationship had failed.
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There are also more indirect impacts of family breakdown and separation that also influence children's experiences in child care. Parents sometimes have very different parenting styles that become more evident when children reside in different households. These differences may lead to tension or even conflict over seemingly small things, such as deciding what clothes children should wear to child care or what food items should be sent in lunchboxes. Children can feel confused when they are allowed treats or special food by one parent and not by the other, or allowed to wear favourite clothes one day and then prevented from doing so the next.
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I remember the trauma of one four-year-old boy when his father took him to have his hair cut very short after his mother had promised that he could let it grow. He persisted in wearing a hat for days and his mother was distraught to see him so upset. It was a difficult time for all three who were trying to cope with their new family situation in their own way.
The situation can become even more fraught when arrangements for drop-off or collection from child care are unexpectedly changed or repeatedly disregarded. These inconsistencies can confuse or even distress young children and cause added resentment between parents. Sometimes an assortment of friends or relatives might be called upon to help out and children are left not knowing just who it will be to collect them at the end of the day.
What about babies?
Babies and children under two–three years are especially vulnerable to family stress and break-up. The old adages – that children are 'resilient' and that parental stress will not affect babies because they are too young to understand – are simply not true.
In fact, infants are much more vulnerable before they can make meaning through words. Infants also feel unspoken parental stress. One infant whose mother would tense up with anxiety every time his father came home from work developed a lasting fear of the sound of footsteps coming to the door.
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If they are to weather these storms, infants need to be put first in planning when families break up. This means that they need continuity, predictability and to feel safe and protected. This cannot be achieved by moving from parent to parent and place to place. As far as possibly can be arranged, children need to be in familiar places with familiar carers and day-to-day routines. It is not the time to start any different method of caring for children.
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Parents need to put their child's developmental needs before their own. There will be time for sharing the care as children get older and have developed an inner sense of security, but if security cannot be achieved first there will always be an unfilled gap – an unsafe foundation. Parents, relatives and childcare staff need to work together on the premise that, before everything else, an infant needs to feel secure.
Pam Linke
Chair, Publications Committee
Early Childhood Australia
What we can do
There are several things that early childhood practitioners can do to support children and families through these difficult times. Foremost is establishing a good relationship with families built on an ethical and professional approach.
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Our approach should preclude judgement and foreground doing what is best for the child. And what is best for children is to know that both parents are working hard in difficult circumstances and that the early learning setting is a safe and supporting place to be. This means communicating respectfully and fairly with parents about what is happening in children's lives and helping them to establish a plan for children that is as consistent and as predictable as possible.
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I have found that parents often want to talk about what is happening in their lives and feel able to do so because they know they will be heard and not judged for what may be happening to them. They also worry about the impact of their choices on children and need to know how children are coping. Teachers need to be sensitive about how they approach this exchange of information and ensure that parents' privacy is always maintained.
Most significantly we also have to support children. This involves listening to them carefully and with considered respect. Some children are able to articulate their feelings well while others may demonstrate their own hurt or confusion by behaving in unexpected ways. Being ready to listen and respond to children thoughtfully and honestly and with understanding of the complexity occurring in their lives is a significant step in helping them to negotiate the often challenging reality of living with parents who no longer live together.
Carmel Richardson
Director
Wiradjuri Preschool Childcare Centre
University of Canberra
Every Child magazine – vol. 14 no. 3, 2008, pp. 12–13
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